I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
