If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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