Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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