Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
