Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize