My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We named our party play list daddy issues
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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