I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
