How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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