Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
