I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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