I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
