pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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