Cold hands, warm shart.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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