I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
