Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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