I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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