it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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