I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
