Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
