Sponge bath it is.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
