What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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