Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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