I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
