Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
