So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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