he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
