a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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