I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
