she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
