Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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