you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
