you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
