allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
