God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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