the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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