There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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