Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
