Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
