Your face is a jimmy john
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
