Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
