Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
