I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
