your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
