Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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