New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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