You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
