someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
