i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
