I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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