What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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