Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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