I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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