fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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