I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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