I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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