if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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