he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want her autograph on my taint
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
