my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
